Once I reached the milestone of going to school and meeting friends that’s when my childhood and education went down hill.
I lived in a estate close to Acton (London), I went to school and seemed to make friends quite easy. But they only thing that changed was my temper, my temperament became more fiery and it was then very hard to keep friendships and make them last.
On my state there was at least 10 children but only 5 of them I used to play with after school. I met two children two floors above me, a brother and sister. Little did I know my childhood became abit twisted. An innocent child came become corrupted to sex.
They were my friends, until they slept over one night. I was (under 6) young and not knowing what they were doing or what sex really was. That night (according to a doctor my biological mother took me to) I lost my virginity, I lost all purity that a child is supposed to have. I was continually sexually abused every time they came over to play or stay. I know what you are thinking why did you continue to have them round? Well I DIDNT i told my nan and my biological mother I didn’t want to play with them or be round them. But they didn’t listen to me and forced me to play with them.
One night they came for a sleepover, 1 hour after lights out my pants were down to my ankles and they forced themselves on me. My biological mother heard noises and came bursting through the door and saw my pants off and their chlothes off and grabbed their mother and chucked them out!
That night she beat me senseless till I couldn’t speak. All I remember is just not wanting to be alive! The sexual abuse continued for 6 months. I didn’t find out that she took me to a doctor to find out if I was still “pure” until I was 22 and managed to get hold of my social services records.
Finding out that I didn’t lose my virginity at 16 to some horrid ex-boyfriend was devastating. I remember that night like it was yesterday. That should of never happened, I should of been sleeping or playing with Barbies-just being a normal child- but no! My innocence was taken!
I think about the sexual abuse most of the time now, what was difficult was telling my dad at 22 that this happened! I kept so much from him in fear of what he would say! Or he would think differently of me.
If anyone has gone through sexual abuse remember you are not a victim you are a survivor and you will survive and hopefully one day it will stop hurting. You will stop crying. You will stop being angry. You will eventually by-pass these memories! But for now we just have to learn how to live this and stop ourselves from thinking about our scenarios and what has caused us so much pain.
I play these words in my head…
Be brave, be smart, be you, be calm!
I will eventually write another post about my childhood but for now i will take a rest-bite. It was hard enough writing this down but clicking submit is a choice I’ve made.
You have ever suffered from abuse of any kind just remember memories fade, details will fade. We are strong and we stand tall.